Since COVID, underwear across the globe has been quietly sabotaged. Once-proud elastic bands that snapped back like a Beyoncé comeback now slump at the waist like a washed-up boy band reunion.
Let the record show: they replaced our elastic with chewing gum. We did not consent. We did not vote. We did not ask to spend $25 on panties that disintegrate faster than my patience on hold with customer service.
This is not just a wardrobe malfunction. This is a travesty of fashion.
The evidence:
Waistbands that roll like cheap sushi.
Elastic that gasps for air after two spins in the dryer.
Underwear lifespans shorter than a TikTok trend.
The verdict: guilty.
And so, I declare: the revolution starts in the laundry basket. We will not stand idly by while our waistbands wave white flags. Until quality returns, consider every sagging waistband a call to arms… and cheeks.
In Solidarity, Brée
PS - Come see me on 10/24 at Creative Mornings DC tickets go on sale 10/20